When you’ve had a loved one taken away from you, there can be many triggers in life. And none as great as holidays, and birthdays. Christmas is traditionally about family and being together and that’s the sharpest cut to the heart of all.

I follow Donna Ashworth on Facebook and tiktok, and her poems have helped me put words to how I feel, make sense of the jumbled up mess of emotions, and ease me through.

“On those days when you miss someone the most, as though your memories are sharp enough to slice through skin and bone, remember how they loved you.

Remember how they loved you and do that, for yourself.

In their name, in their honour.

Love yourself, as they loved you.

They would like that.

On those days when you miss someone the most,

love yourself harder.“

Donna Ashworth, author

Christmas comes hand in hand with a number of traditions which can be linked to memories of the person you are grieving. This can leave you feeling upset, especially when you aren’t able to do these traditions in the same way. It feels like everything has changed.

But to help you get through this difficult time, consider the traditions and what they mean for you and those around you. And you can change them slightly or completely, and start new ones.

Starting a new tradition may also help the children in your family, particularly if they’re struggling too. It can be difficult for anyone to know how to act when the people they love are grieving, Some find new ways to remember the person you’re missing during this time which can bring you together as a family.

Buying or making your own Christmas ornament or bauble to remember those who have died. If a photograph feels too much, then perhaps use a ribbon of their favourite colour or a sentimental object.

You can use their old Christmas decorations or tree, as a sentimental option.

You could write a Christmas card or letter out to them, You can decide as a family whether you then would like to share these out-loud or keep them private.

Having a small Christmas tree or memory wreath set up somewhere within your home in honour of the person who has gone. You could decorate this tree or wreath with their favourite colours, photographs, any meaningful objects or messages.

Making a paper chain with a message or memory of the person you’re grieving for written on to each ‘link’.

Buying a big candle in honour of them and lighting it for periods of reflection and remembrance.

Making an object or cash donation to a charity you know the person you are grieving would have supported in their honour.

Setting a place at the dinner table for the person who is not there or making a toast to them at the Christmas meal.

Decorating their headstone or plaque on Christmas Day.

Representing the person who has died through an object or symbol in your annual family Christmas photograph, if that’s something you do.

Now I’ll be absolutely honest, I struggle to do any of these, it’s all too raw, and painful. I accept I’m not ready yet, we try to almost gloss over and not dive into emotions for the sake of others and ourselves, but that’s not to say it’s not a deeply reflective time, and we do our grieving more privately. We try our best to be upbeat and happy when we visit family.